The Art of Letting Go: Taming Your Inner Critic

Is your inner critic driving you crazy? Do you feel like you get in your own way sometimes? Is the way you talk to yourself sabotaging your health, your relationships, and your happiness?

Negative self-talk is a self-defeating habit that creates pain and suffering. 

We often criticize and judge ourselves negatively, mostly unaware of this insidious habit. We tend to focus on flaws and what is wrong with us and our lives, whether it’s about our looks, skills, level of success, the relationships we’re in, or how much money we have in the bank. We compare ourselves to others unfairly, should ourselves based on often unobtainable standards, and put ourselves down for not measuring up. Our unrealistically high expectations often get in the way of our peace and happiness.

It is human nature to judge and analyze—it’s how we’ve survived as a species. The tendency to be hypercritical is a primal coping strategy built into the brain. It runs on autopilot, humming along in the background, deeply embedded into our psyche. Left unchecked, it can manifest as inner turmoil, shame, depression, and ruined relationships.

We can’t hate ourselves into our best self.

Self-criticism is often at the root of our pain and the more we practice it the more rampant it gets. When our inner critic shows up we give it a lot of attention, feeding into a negative spiral, each time making ourselves feel smaller, more inadequate, isolated, broken, and defeated.

Taming Your Inner Critic

For most of us, self-criticism was modeled to us in childhood. We either observed it growing up or we internalized a critical caretaker who judged, criticized, or put us down. If this was your experience, self-judgment is part of your programming—it’s etched into your brain.

Negative self-talk is a self-defeating habit we picked up growing up and are now holding onto. It’s time to let it go.

You don’t have to resign to living with it, however. You can change your patterns and shift your life through the power of mindfulness and neuroplasticity. With enough self-awareness and determination, you can rewire your brain and shift from self-criticism and into self-compassion.

Realizing that we have the ability to change our negative patterns is empowering. Knowing that we don’t have to blindly perpetuate the pain from our childhood is liberating. Here’s how.

1. Awareness

The first step to change is awareness. We need to bring our patterns to light in order to shift them.

This is difficult because most of our behavior is driven by subconscious beliefs and habitual reactions that we are largely unaware of.

Learning to observe our thoughts and feelings as we go about our day can shift that. Noticing when we judge ourselves and letting those thoughts go in the moment is the first step to overcoming self-criticism.

2. Curiosity

Shifting from judgment to curiosity is the next step. Our inner critic is there for a reason. Tapping into our thoughts around self-judgment can be revealing.

Whenever you notice a critical thought show up, get curious and investigate it. You don’t have to identify with that voice, but you can observe and learn from it. What emotion comes up? Have you felt it before? What is it trying to tell you? How does it feel in your body? What does it want? What is underneath it? What belief is it tied to? Is it true? Can you let it go?

By identifying our thoughts, feelings, and belief patterns around self-judgments, we can diminish their power over us.

Journaling is a great tool for this investigative work. Begin by writing down some of the things your inner critic says. What is it that you’re telling yourself? What are you telling others about yourself? What are you believing about yourself? What are you afraid will happen if you stand up to your inner critic? Why do you feel the need to criticize yourself, put yourself down, minimize yourself? What would happen if you stopped?

3. Self-Compassion

If our default setting is self-blame, judgment, and criticism, self-compassion is the medicine on our path to healing.

Instead of passing judgment, see if you can extend empathy toward yourself for having the thoughts and feelings you’re having. Give yourself a break for engaging in the “negative” behaviors you are judging yourself for. Instead of beating yourself up, try to approach the situation with tolerance and compassion. 

When things get hard, remember that no one is perfect, and everyone struggles in one way or another. By learning to meet your internal experiences with presence and compassion, you allow all of your parts to be witnessed, accepted and integrated—including those you judged yourself relentlessly for in the past.

4. Healing

Taming that critical, judgmental voice within changes the relationship we have with ourselves. No longer beating ourselves up, we begin to recognize our worth and show up for ourselves in a meaningful way.

Instead of reacting with self-criticism and feeding into our insecurities, we treat ourselves with compassion and understanding. We carry ourselves through our struggles. We embrace supportive self-talk, affirming our goodness and our worth. We become our greatest ally.

Remind yourself, “I’m enough”, “I did the best I could”, “I’m ok just as I am”, “I’m capable”, “I love and accept myself just as I am”, or whatever else you think you need to hear right now. Feel it in your body—notice how it feels to be talked to in a supportive way, how your body feels as you embrace yourself with this positive self-talk.

Letting Go of Our Judgmental Nature Takes Practice

When we practice mindfulness, we learn to “catch” ourselves indulging in self-judgment and gently return to the breath, instead of falling into a cycle of overthinking and rumination by attaching stories, beliefs, and emotions to the experience. We learn to let go.

Over time, we minimize self-judgment, stop second-guessing ourselves, and begin to listen to what we need instead. We show up with empathy for our struggle, befriend ourselves just as we are, and affirm our worth, our lovability, and our identity. We step into confidence and begin to honor our sacredness. We learn to give ourselves a break grounded in compassion and the understanding that we did our best.

The more we practice positive self-talk, self-compassion, and intentionally affirm our worth to ourselves, the more we nurture our loving side. Self-criticism falls away and we are free to be who we are, flaws and all.

Our inner critic doesn’t have to be our enemy. Indeed, it’s the door to our transformation, a path to self-acceptance and healing. What our inner critic draws attention to is exactly what stands in the way of our greatness. By recognizing and working with it, we can move beyond its limiting grip.