Mind Shift: Love & Care For Yourself First

So many of us walk around afraid to feel. Especially if we’ve been hurt in childhood, we’re scared to feel because we’re afraid the pain will break us, for good this time. So we hide, deny ourselves the expression our soul craves, bury our emotions, and instead focus on the external world. At some point though, the dam breaks and we’re forced to deal with the turmoil inside.

As a sensitive kid, I had my share of hurts and trauma growing up. Determined my past wasn’t going to break me, I closed myself off to emotions early on. I buried the pain deep inside and instead directed my energy towards building a successful life professionally. Feelings never really mattered much at home and so I tuned them out and focused on adventures and achievements.

Subconsciously, however, I was marred by self-criticism, shame, and blame. Without much awareness, I bullied myself relentlessly, perpetuating the abuse I was so accustomed to growing up. Not having been shown unconditional love and care as a child, I neglected my wants, needs, my body, and heart. I was living a half-live.

My wellbeing deteriorated slowly but steadily. In denial about what’s happening, I kept pushing harder, shaming myself for not being strong enough to handle life. White-knuckling through anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and ignoring growing inner anguish wasn’t working anymore and I realized I had to confront all the I was running from. I had to change.

Reading books by Brené Brown and Kristin Neff began changing the relationship I had with myself. I realized that I have been my worst enemy and that by judging myself harshly I was only adding to my pain, shame, and anxiety.

Slowly, I began to recognize that no one is flawless, and everyone has a painful story, just like me. This allowed my drop the pressure and stop being so hard on myself. Instead, I began to see myself as an imperfect being who is struggling and needs comfort, not putdowns. I practiced giving myself the compassion, support, and kindness I needed at the moment. Day by day, I learned to lay down my armor and dare to feel, knowing that I have my own back. Over time, I became my biggest ally.

Letting Go of the Judge Within

For those of us afraid to feel, the first thing to recognize is that feelings are fluid—they come and go. Even the unpleasant ones wouldn’t stick around for long if it wasn’t for our judgmental nature. When we react to our feelings by thinking, analyzing, making judgment calls, and rehashing old stories—in other words, getting hooked—we strengthen old habits of self-betrayal. Buddhists call this “shooting the second arrow”. 
 
Pain is unavoidable, but we tend to add to our own suffering by indulging in judgments, self-criticism, and self-blame. Whether we cling to painful stories or reject unpleasant experiences, we react and that reaction often inflicts more pain. Mindfulness teaches us to observe this pattern and offer ourselves compassion instead of judgment.
 
Anchored in the breath, we observe our reactions instead of giving into them. We notice habitual thoughts that come up as we experience unpleasant feelings. We pay attention to how we judge and criticize ourselves in the moment, and instead of falling into the pit of self-blame and shame, we bring ourselves back to the breath, the body, and the present moment. As we get grounded this way, we’re able to rest our defenses. We’re no longer afraid to feel. Instead, we allow our internal experience to come and go, without clinging to or rejecting what is happening.

Reawakening Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is key to staying centered and resilient through life’s ups and downs. We practice resisting the urge to pass judgment on ourselves and instead treat ourselves with kindness, no matter what. When things get hard we remember that no one is perfect, and everyone struggles in one way or another—we give ourselves a break. 

We banish scapegoating and instead work through problems believing that everyone is doing their best—including ourselves. By learning to meet our internal experiences with presence and kindness, we allow all of our parts to be witnessed, accepted and integrated.

This is quite difficult of course, but with practice, our judgmental impulses diminish, little by little. We soften our defenses and begin to let love it.

Self-compassion is soothing to our nervous system. Embrace it and heal!

Mind Shift: Love & Care For Yourself First

Mindfulness wakes us up from a trance of “autopilot” and shifts us into being fully present to our reality—both internally and externally. We stop running from ourselves and instead allow our experience to be as is, learning to love, accept, and take care of ourselves through the process.  

Self-care becomes the source of strength and resilience. As we carry ourselves through difficult moments, we strengthen our inner support system.  Centered and empowered, we can then support others. 

Self-love and self-care go hand in hand. Practice both daily!

Love and nurture yourself from the inside out first. Take the time to re-connect with yourself daily. Ask yourself: “What is important to me?”, “How can I support myself today?”, “What do I need to let go of?”. Then take care of that first and foremost.

Throughout the day, take a few minutes to quiet your mind, meditate, or journal about your struggles. Go to that yoga class—you know how restored and reconnected with your body you feel afterward.  Take a break from your to-do list and do something that gives you pleasure. Do the work to reclaim your worth. Take a nap. Go for a walk. Deal with what you’ve been procrastinating on. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake. Rest.

You are worth it!